One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."

"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"

"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.

"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.

"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.

"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!"

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"OK, now take off my skirt...." and he takes off her skirt.

"Now take off my bra..." which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, "Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?"

Johnny replied, "It has two."

Little Johnny's father then asked, "How many eyes does the rooster have?"

Johnny replied, "It has two."

Little Johnny's father then asked, "Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?"

Johnny replied, "It has two, daddy."

So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, "Well then, a white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, "I don't know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, "Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cock and so little about white pussy?"

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Dad, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" explained her father.

"Is that a Daddy Long-legs spider on top, Dad?"

"Yes, dear."

"Oh, so one's a Daddy Long-legs and the other one is a Mommy Long-legs?"

"Well, no dear, actually both of them are Daddy Long-legs," explained her father.

Lucy thought for a moment, then suddenly stomped on the two spiders with both feet. With a stern look, Lucy exclaimed, "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing going on in this garden!"

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it."

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"

Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

Little Johnny asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replied, "The stork brings them."

Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the storks?