As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have."
"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"
"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."
"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.
"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your name?"
"What a nice name. And what is your dog's name Sally?"
"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"
"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky'?"
"Because he likes to fuck pigs!"
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!
Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."
Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up."
Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."
When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."
Little Johnny is sitting on the front porch steps and his 17 year old sister is sitting in the swing in a dress with no panties. She notices Johnny trying to get a look up her dress so she picks up her knees and spreads her legs and asked "Johnny, what do you think about my WILDCAT?"
Johnny looks up, stares all bug eyed and replies, "That's a mean motherfucker sis!"
Sis asked, "Why do you think he's mean?"
Johnny said, "Just look at him sis, he's got blood in one eye and shit in the other!"
The teacher looks out the window and points to a bank, and asks the class what kind of building it is. Little Johnny, always first in, shoots his hand up and shouts "It's a brothel."
"No", the teacher says, "it's a bank."
The next day the teacher looks out the window and points at a bridge, and asks the class what kind of structure it is.
Little Johnny again shouts out "It's a brothel."
" No", says the teacher, "it's a bridge."
The next day the teacher rounds up the girls in the class and explains to them that she's sick of Little Johnny's rude comments and the next time he shouts out anything rude, they all must get up and walk out of the classroom.
The teacher looks out the window and points to a hospital and asks the class what kind of building it is.
Without any hesitation Little Johnny shouts "It's a brothel."
With that, all the girls get up and proceed to walk out of the classroom.
Little Johnny screams "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU SLUTS GOING?? IT'S NOT EVEN OPEN YET!!"
Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," Johnny protested.
"Sure they do," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
Little Steven Kelley came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Steven Kelley then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" <> The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny wailed, bursting into tears.
Confused, Pop asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh, Pop," Johnny sobbed, "you told me when I was six that there was no Santa Claus. You told me when I was seven that there was no Easter Bunny. You told me when I was eight that there was no Tooth Fairy. Now you're gonna tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, and I'll have nothing left to believe in!"
A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.
She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.
Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed."
"Okay, class, we're going to play a game today," said the third grade teacher. "I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
She then goes around the room asking each child.
Mikey says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Mikey."
Clair says, "The sky is very dark, perhaps it's going to rain."
The teacher says, "Very good, Clair."
Little Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"